| SAFE in Hunterdon Serving Women, Men and Families in Crisis |
| Call 24 Hours a Day 908-788-4044 1-888-988-4033 |
| SAFE in Hunterdon is a not-for profit agency serving victims of domestic violence and sexual assault in Hunterdon County, New Jersey. MISSION STATEMENT In an atmosphere of professionalism and excellence, our mission is to: Reduce the prevalence of intimate violence in society. Provide safety through free and confidential services for victims and survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault including all ages, genders, cultures, religions and sexual orientations. Empower victims, survivors and their families to live enriched lives free from violence. Heighten our community's awareness of domestic violence and sexual assault through risk reduction education. |
| The only way SAFE in Hunterdon can continue to provide free services such as emergency shelter, counseling and legal advocacy is with your help. |
SAFE in Hunterdon is a United Way Member and a
member of the New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
member of the New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
| No part of this website may be copied without prior written permission from SAFE in Hunterdon. |
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Teen Dating Violence
Q&A
Q&A
Teen Dating Violence is an issue that is difficult for most of us to
talk about, however it is a reality within our County's community.
To make this sensitive issue easier t address, Women's Crisis
Services, in conjunction with Verizon Wireless hopeline and
Colalillo Shoprite, sponsored a weeklong awareness program
entitled, The Yellow Dress, which was presented throughout
Hunterdon County's high schools and community in May 2004.
The Yellow Dress is a one-act play based on the true story of
Deanna Brisbois. Her boyfriend killed her. In the hopes of giving
her death meaning, the Brisbois family created the organization
Deanna's Fund who developed the play, The Yellow Dress. It is
their hope that violence will end by telling the story of their
daughter. This dramatic performance is presented in an honest
and thought provoking manner which appeals to teens and
adults. The Yellow Dress is followed by a panel of professionals
who work with abusers and survivors who are on hand to
address questions from the audience. The following are some of
the topics from those Q&A sessions:
Why do women survivors of abuse fear future intimate
relationships?
We have a natural desire to avoid people, objects
and/or places that harmed us. Most women who
survived abuse do not want to take the chance that
they will ever re-experience any aspect of abuse
again; thus, they fear dating. This is a very normal
reaction for trauma survivors. For example, very
rarely does a Vietnam Vet return to Vietnam for
vacation.
Is it true that abusive people grew up in abusive homes?
That is one possible reason; however, there are
other contributing factors such as addiction,
genetics, personality characteristics, social
messages condoning violence, etc. IT IS NOT
TRUE that everyone who experienced abusive
behavior as a child will become an abusive
adult.
What are other warning signs of an abuser?
- Believes in male privileges ie: men make all the
do, what to wear, etc.
- Believes hitting is okay in certain situations.
- Blames others for his/her actions.
- Outbursts of temper for non-significant reasons.
- Sudden mood changes.
- Possessive-treating partner like he/she is owned.
- Poor self-image. Lack of self-esteem.
- Tries to isolate partner from family members, friends,
- Gets into fights with other individuals besides
- Arrest record.
- Abuses drugs and alcohol.
- Past restraining orders.
What would happen to Rich (the man in the play who killed his
girlfriend)?
Rick would face first degree murder charges. He
would likely go to jail and be mandated to
psychological treatment.
Why did Anna(the female victim in the play) allow the mental
and verbal abuse to happen for so long?
Most of us like to think that we would end a relation-
ship if it contained verbal or emotional abuse; how-
ever, these forms of abuse are typically seen as "not
that big of a deal." When we love someone we
excuse his/her inappropriate behavior be attributing
it to a situation. For example, "he's in a bad mood
because he had a bad day at work." "Finances are
bad right now, things will get better soon." "He just
said that he's hungry." Also, the abusive relationship
will hit a "honeymoon" phase. In this phase, the
abuser acts very kind and may even apologize for
the abusive action-often he promises to never do it
again. We believe our partner's promises.
Are there women who successfully left their abuser?
Absolutely. There are ways to end an abusive
relationship safely. The idea is to never try to do it
by yourself. Get help by contacting a professional
who has experience with domestic abuse. With
the help of a professional you can learn how to
have a new life free of violence.
Are there places that victims of abuse can go and be
safe?
Yes, in Hunterdon County, SAFE in Hunterdon
offers a shelter for survivors of abuse. Simply
call toll free 1-888-988-4033. If you do not reside
in Hunterdon County, you can call the same hot-
line and learn the number of a shelter in your area.
How can you let go if everything you see constantly reminds
you of your partner-to the point you become sick?
Letting go is extremely difficult to do-especially when
we love someone. Loving ourselves enough to let
go of unhealthy love takes courage. We grieve the
loss of good and bad relationships. Learning how to
grieve is especially important for anyone in the
process of leaving an abusive relationship.
What do you do if someone you know is being abused, but
he/she denies and excuses the abusive behavior?
Try not to judge the partner in a harsh way, instead,
discuss his behavior as hurtful. Rather than calling
him a jerk (or worse) say, "It's not okay to pinch some-
one you love." Try to avoid giving solutions to her
problems-try to say, "you really need to leave him."
Instead, simply listen to her story and thank her for
telling you. Note your concern. For example, I'm
worried about you-I think a counselor might be able
to help you with your worries. Not her right to feel
hurt by his actions: "wow-that sounds really hurtful
to me, how did you manage so well?" Note her
strength and other positive qualities. Finally, do
not leave the friendship. Isolation is a key component
in abuse. By walking away from your friend, you are
helping the abuser. Stay in contact with her-if you
must, change the amount of contact you have with
her; however, do not remove yourself from her life.
Are there cases where men are victims of domestic abuse?
Yes, men are indeed survivors of domestic abuse. A
battered should not be defined by gender, but by action.
Also, women can abuse other women. Unfortunately,
most reported domestic abuse cases involve a male
as an aggressor. I believe male victims of abuse fail
to report, incidents of abuse because they might be
seen as weak, girly and pathetic. I hope these
negative sterotypes stop allowing men to feel more
comfortable about reporting abuse.
Do you find contacting the police to be an effective method of
preventing further dating violence?
A final restraining order can deter further incidents of
abuse because any violation of the order will result
in a criminal charge. Some consequences include
mandatory anger management, community service,
financial charges and even jail time. Unfortunately, a
final restraining order is not always the only answer.
It's important for survivors of abuse to meet with a
professional. These people are trained to assess the
level of danger and lethality of the relationship and
make recommendations on how to safely leave.
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